| It's happened. |
[10 Dec 2009|05:17pm] |
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I've come out to my mom. She told my dad. What I feel is relief. It was pretty much like this, in between sobs, "Mom, we need to talk... it's about Megan." Mom: "You guys are a couple?" God, that was easy. Her response could've been compared to something like, "You're gay? Well... let's go grocery shopping." She even spared me the awkwardness of telling my dad. Me: "Well, what did he say?" Mom: "He wasn't born yesterday."
Life is sometimes way easier than I think it is.
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| Ehh. |
[01 Dec 2009|09:01am] |
I feel kind of funky today. I woke up fine, but as I sat down to eat breakfast I started having abdominal cramps again. I really hate this time of the year. I'm so susceptible to feeling like shit. I do all the tricks in the book. I takes loads of vitamin C, eat double the recommended daily intake of fruits, load up on fiber, exercise, etcetera, etcetera. It never pays off. I feel sick and moody no matter what I do.
I haven't written in two weeks and THIS is what I decide to update on? I need to find more interesting subjects to fill up my page with.
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| The Sims 3 |
[16 Nov 2009|12:44pm] |
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I want it so bad!
EDIT: I got it so bad.
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| Dilemma |
[16 Nov 2009|10:26am] |
Today registration for winter quarter starts. My parents are helping me pay for half, and I'm covering the rest by using this payment plan my school offers. There's a small issue with going to school and balancing work... and fun. Yeah, welcome to Real Life 101. I was hoping to take English and Nutrition on campus, but that would eat 2 hours of my morning away. So for now I'm deciding to take only Nutrition on campus and English and Math online. That way I'll still be eligible to work some of the morning shift after class. Actually, that IS if they let me show up to work an hour late. If they did, I'll be able to keep an almost full time position and earn enough money to still pay bills, save for school, and have money leftover to actually have a life with.
But... my job sucks. I wear out my car. And it's winter, which means the possibility of snow, which means the possibility of destroying it even more. And my schedule is not very compromising. They only offer 10AM-2PM and 4PM-8PM shifts. I already work both 3 days out of the week and it is GAAAYYY. Getting home around 8:30-9 doesn't leave much time for homework... or the level of concentration to do homework. OR even have time for Megan... she goes to bed early because she works at 7:30 everyday. She already hates my work schedule... I'm sure putting school on top of it would drive her crazy.
[And by the way, that 2 or more/less hours in between my shifts are occupied by gym and lunch... then I have to check in at 3:45... I do have to maintain health too... fuckkkk]
I'm pondering over the option of seeking a new job. One that is more flexible and can give me a decent amount of hours while still giving me ample time at night to study. Good luck, I tell myself.
Either that, or I kill myself (and Megan) with the above schedule.
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[07 Nov 2009|11:04pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Dr. Mario theme music |
] |
I had this unavoidable feeling of disappointment all day. I came home (rents') and sat in the hot tub to ease some tension.
What I thought about:
-I need privacy. My space is important to me. This goes hand in hand with what's next...
-People should come in small doses only. Customer service, social work, small talk with strangers is not my cup of tea. This excludes internet communication. I've noticed throughout the short duration of my life, I'm much happier when there's less human interaction. I'm not a hermit or anything. I just think 55% of my day or so should be spent inside my own head. Count Megan out though. She's basically my other half, so being with her is not draining.
-The simplest things are what make me tick. Watching Animal Planet with Megan or reading a book outside (when it's not raining). Taking long drives or smoking ganja before seeing a flick. Playing Skattergories with the fam. Cooking with my mom on superbowl Sundays. They're just simple pleasures that matter more than fancy cars and diamond rings.
-Chapstick. I hoard chapstick.
-Comfortable clothing beats dressing up any day.
-Playing music reeeallly loud on surround sound and feeling it pulse through my body.
-My girl, Megan, makes me feel really good. Thinking about her gives me this sense of comfort and completeness.
(Six Feet Under season one and two downloaded. Mmm.)
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| Scribbles in a parking lot... just for the record |
[04 Nov 2009|09:23pm] |
10/24
Let me explain to you about how much I hate delivering to people in the U-district. On a good day, traffic flow is far from generous and the streets are flooded with college students. On a bad day, you can't imagine the mayhem that goes on, especially if there's a Huskies game. Like today for example. Now when it comes time to knock on my customer's door, usually after walking down a dirty, polluted hallway, I'm hoping I won't be greeted by a dumbfounded blonde or frat boy totally oblivious to ever placing on order. But that's just wishful thinking. Except this last girl, complete with her overwhelming amount of purple Huskies flare, was not blonde. She was, however, the most surprised customer I've gotten yet. "You did order food and I'm at the right address, right?" I say. "Uh, yeah... uhh, I think." She looks around her apartment, maybe listening for another source to answer for her? But she wasn't shy to snag the food from me and glare as I repeated each entree out loud.
I'm this girl had just finished toking 3 bowls and had a serious case of Indian food munchies. She was not a bright one. And although her looks would argue that, I'm not convinced that she has much brain capacity.
10/30/09
Maybe my hands will wither away and become disposable. No high-fives, or hand shakes. No middle fingers. No thumbs up. Maybe my voice will become silent. I'll be mute amongst the crowds of people at grocery stores. My cell phone will become as useful as a pager or telegraph. Without a voice or fingers to dial or send text messages, I might as well put it underneath the tire of a bus. Toss it in the ocean to sink to the bottom where it'll collect grime and seaweed. Maybe the features on my face will become distorted. A blank slab of skin covering my skull. No eyes to see, no ears to hear. No mouth to be mute with. And maybe my body will just become empty. The contents engulfing my bones enclosed by a layer of skin will disappear. Collapse to the ground where others' feet can trample over my remains. The remains of nothing. Or carried away by gusts of winds where I'll travel from telephone pole to business signs and billboards and migrate to beaches and rose gardens. When there's nothing left of me, where will I have left to go? When there's nothing left of me what do I become?
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| Some kinda update |
[21 Oct 2009|09:57pm] |
So far, in the past few days, Megan has met most of my family, excluding my dad. I didn't introduce her as my girlfriend. Mari is the only one who knows that we're official. However, I feel it's obvious. For one, Megan doesn't exactly look straight, and the collective vibes we put out kind of hint that we're more than just friends. It's going to unravel soon, which makes me nervous. Yet, I'll be excited when the truth is revealed and I won't have to be stuck in some lie.
My job is still kicking my ass. It's possible that because things have been consistently going wrong, that I'm just getting a bad attitude in general. But I'm sick of my schedule and being treated like I'm inferior. This is pushing me to get back into school. I'm starting to realize how significant and useful a higher education will be.
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[16 Oct 2009|02:07pm] |
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When I take a gander on Flickr at people's photos, I'm reminded how much mine suck and need improvement.
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| Yesterday |
[15 Oct 2009|09:10am] |
When I'm standing in the elevator with some customer, zooming up 30 stories, and he asks how my night is going, I say, "Good! I haven't been too busy yet, but still a good night! How are you?" I might sound cheerful, but I'm sure my eyes and my rained-down hair give hints to what I'd really like to say. What I REALLY want to say is, "I've had the shittiest day today! I've had to trudge through puddles and carry heavy bags while simultaneously fighting these strong winds. When the fuck did it get so windy?! And the managers are giving me strange addresses and shitty directions. I had to PAY for parking, which comes out of MY pocket. People are treating me like a goddamn peon. And what really pisses me off about everything is how HAPPY I was two days ago. When something brings me down, I have the hardest time picking myself up. It takes days, possibly WEEKS before I can feel good again. And when something brings me down it feels like it's been that way forever."
God damnit. Here's to a better day today.
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| I hate reading (no subject). |
[06 Oct 2009|01:26am] |
I feel myself moving inches forward each day. I'm this [ ] motherfucking close to accomplishing something worthwhile. The ideas that race through my mind as my eyes shut each night are the same forces that pry them open the next morning. These ever-changing lists of things I want and dreams I'd like to accomplish will be fulfilled.
And when they are, you can count on my head swirling with fresh ideas and me creating a new list to check off.
It's happening. Now.
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| iPod touch! |
[04 Oct 2009|01:31am] |
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I now have one. It's pretty much amazing.
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| N/A |
[02 Oct 2009|01:22pm] |
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I've been pretty good at not smoking lately. Sure I'll have one every once in awhile, especially if I'm out, but since I've cut down I find myself less guilty. And the craving is less intense also. I'm glad.
It's funny how a lot of us spend our lives trying so hard to NOT do something. Don't smoke. Don't eat fast food. Don't have anonymous sex. Don't spend money on unnecessary crap. Are we ever forgetting about NOT doing something and instead just plain DOING something? Something positive at least. Something that replenishes you or makes you feel fucking great. Rather than something that gives temporary satisfaction but has a worse outcome in the end. Maybe we should replace all that bad stuff with a little good stuff. I could be preaching to the choir... but hey, there might be reasons why it's called a cliché... perhaps because it's actually sound advice to begin with?
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| n3rd. |
[01 Oct 2009|08:31am] |
I am three books away from completing my Chuck Palahniuk binge. I have Diary and Survivor to pick up at the library later, and I still have Fight Club on hold. I've chosen to read that one last just because, ya know, the movie and all. Then I'm off to read every Douglas Coupland book. I'm turning into a bibliophile.
What I would like to make, finally, are some pumpkin pancakes. This has been on my to-do list for practically a year now. I have pumpkin and I have pancake batter so it's going to happen. With it being October now, it kind of suits the season.
I hope they taste as good as they look though. Sometimes when I procrastinate for such a long time, in the end when things are said and done, the finished product turns out to be a let-down.
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| Food |
[27 Sep 2009|12:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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headache |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Aphex Twin |
] |
I keep having these dreams where I'm eating huge amounts of food. It's mostly sugary, dessert-type foods like big cookies, and stuff like peanut butter and granola. Shit loaded with calories but can be a huge weakness to me if I get my hands on them. I'm trying to figure out what this could symbolize. If you've ever researched dream interpretations online, you'd know you normally find generalized symbolism. Kind of like astrology. And although a lot of the time it seems totally in sync with your life and feelings, it doesn't necessarily make it true. Kind of like astrology.
Anyhow... so far what I've discovered are both positive AND negative interpretations. Eating in your dreams can signify an abundance of pleasure and love in your life. A good nourishment of the mind, body, and soul. Okay, this makes sense to me since I've been feeling in really good spirits for the past week or two. And I definitely get a lot of lovin'. On the contrary, eating can denote poor nutrition or deprivation. Whatever I'm not getting in real life I'm trying to compensate for in dream life. I can agree with this too for I'm not the most consistent eater/dieter.
But the moral of the story, I would like to END these tedious, recurring dreams. I feel a little disgusted with how much I've been "eating" lately. I wake up and feel like all this excess shit I put into my body during my dreams is there when I awake.
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| That's mah girl. |
[25 Sep 2009|03:38pm] |
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Megan makes a mean Rey Mysterio, Jr. I tell you what.
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| Too confusing, too brain rattling... |
[21 Sep 2009|10:53am] |
Megan and I had the worst, most intense fight yet last night. What sparked it confused me so much because I was completely unaware that she was bothered by anything.
Jumping to the beginning of the night, she rode along with me while I was working and I compromised by letting her bring her dog. I wanted to head into the city early because I needed gas and oil so we left around 4:15. I ended up not getting an order until about 5:30, so we really were just dinking around until then. So during that stretch of time when I wasn't working she was acting really bored and indifferent. And she was also insulting my music and driving, which was a bit hurtful. I apologized that I couldn't find anything to do for us in the meantime. Things just kind of went silent between us from that point. I ended up getting two orders in a row, and during the second I got agitated with getting the wrong address. After that put me in a "pissy" mood, we began to argue and I asked if she wanted to go home.
I went back to the city just in case I got another order (which I didn't). When I finally got back home, I ate some dinner and crawled into bed and came on my laptop. I was keeping to myself because I didn't know how to act considering what happened earlier. Apparently this wasn't the right thing to do. She jumped out of bed and proceeded to sleep on the floor in the other room. WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. At that point I was beyond confused. I attempted to get her to come back to bed and this was when she blurted out the fact that me being inattentive was pissing her off. I'm still confused. I got angry, we both got angry, shit we didn't mean got said, I hurt my fucking hand by punching the door. I don't know.
BUT, I don't want to fall into a slump again. We're going to try and resolve this shit. I'm going to be happy and not let these bumps stop my ride.
BTW, I'm getting REALLY irritated with the construction going on next door. There are jackhammers and bulldozers rattling my fucking brain right now. I need to invest in a pair of ear muffs. Giant ear muffs.
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